RESPECT AND LOVE :  Lesson 1

Respect and Love

We are on the principle respect and love and this is probably one of the most difficult ones in one of the most misunderstood principles in the six week marriage challenge. The reason being is is that the common code that men have is so different than the common code that women have. Men completely understand respect. Women completely understand love, but women have difficulty understanding how it man experiences respect and men have a difficulty understanding how women receive love. For example, I told her that she loved me or I was just saying what I was thinking. Why would that be disrespectful? Again, it’s all about the way that we are genetically coded and it’s part of who we are. That’s why we talked about authenticity originally is because in respect and in love, we must learn to honor what the other person’s experiencing, and this again can be difficult because our experience is often something like we want the other person to have.
In other words, we want them to think that what we’re thinking is accurate and really their experience is irrespective of what we’re saying. That’s why it’s real important to have quality conversations. Particularly in this, uh, principle. Now the other three principals, up until this point, I’ve been developing conversations and just talking about who we are. This gets into the meat of what we actually need to do to make things happen in a different way. And so we’re going to go into those details here in just a moment because we’re going to talk specifically about how men receive respect and how they need respect and how they react when respect is not working for them. One of the things that I’ve noticed in my own relationship is that when I am being spoken to, and it’s feels very disrespectful, particularly from the person that’s not, that I’m in a close relationship with, I will notice it right away in my mind gets hijacked by what I’m experiencing in the conversation, hijacked to the point that it’s hard to bring myself back to actually hearing what’s being said and when that’s going on.
It’s very difficult for me to pay attention to not only that person, but really what needs to happen because it just hurts. It’s something that is ingrained in us as men. So women, the reason that this is important is if the man that you’re in a relationship with is experiencing disrespect, there’s a couple things are gonna happen. One, he’s going to go off in a path and his brain and not really be engaged with you. Number two, you’ll notice a shutdown. You’ll notice his ability to not concentrate in the moment to be with you or he’ll just go away or he just will change the subject when you’re done talking. A lot of that is because the new don’t know how to respond to a female in a relationship when it comes to being disrespectful, when they feel disrespected without being angry and being direct.
And again, it’s very hard for us to be absolutely direct and hurtful to a woman that were in a relationship with because that’s another part of our code. And so subsequently when the respect shows up, disrespect shows up in a relationship, particularly when it’s in a conversation and in language that’s being used by the female toward the male [inaudible]. There’s lots of keys that can help this work. And one of those keys is for you ladies to pay attention to what’s happening to him. And if you’re noticing that he is shutting down or not hearing or not responding or changing the subject or not with you, part of this journey would be for you to question what you’re doing now if you ask him directly if he feels disrespected or if you asked him directly what you just did. Again, that tends to be disrespectful than it doesn’t work really well.
So we’ll talk about these skills about how to move into a more respectful kind of conversation later and part of our homework or right now we’re just making you aware of when those things are happening. That means that it typically means something’s going on inside him and he is either I’m unaware that he’s being disrespected or he’s unaware of how to respond to it. Uh, I didn’t say this, but I guess I should say this quickly. Often don’t notice that they’re being disrespected in the moment cause it’s just really quick. But we will pull away and we’ll later recognize that that’s why that happens because it’s a very innate thing inside us. Now let’s talk for a moment about love. When a woman doesn’t feel loved, the emotions are very powerful on the inside of her. Another word, she has all kinds of thoughts and all kinds of just wanting to explain and get the man in the relationship to hear him in, to see her.
And so she’ll be very intent on being either verbal or doing things. And he’s like, I said that already and I’ve already cleaned the car out for, you’ve already done dishes for you or whatever those things are. And since he doesn’t seem to get it, because most men are focused on the behavior, women want to feel loved by something that’s happening from the man. And so men, when they don’t experience that type of leaning into the relationship where they experienced us acknowledging who they were are in noticing with empathy or care what they’re doing and how they look and how they are experiencing you in the moment than they don’t feel loved. And it’s hard for us to notice that because we are very focused on the outside being, we’re very focused on what’s happening out here and what we want to do for you because we are again designed to be doers.
So men, when you notice that your wife is being very verbal or she’s continually to tell you that she wants you to do this and she wants you to do that and she wants these things to be done, what that typically means is, is that you’re not meeting a deeper inner need, uh, for feeling like you’re with her when you’re with her. Not only away from those moments but also just in general. And there’s some things specifically that you can do when those things are happening. Now, women, you notice when you’re not feeling loved and you might say that to him and he’s going to be clueless. Like what do you mean very similar to when he may say to you that feels disrespectful and you’re like, well I don’t get it. And that’s because again, we do not have the same way genetically. Internally are they experiencing love and respect? And this is again, where conversations are very, very important, and we’re going to discuss that in the homework where right now just I want you to acknowledge the fact that when there is an acknowledgement that he doesn’t feel respected or she doesn’t feel loved, an awful lot of that is about things that are difficult to explain, but we can get the other person to help us understand them and we’ll do that in part of the homework.

Naturally Respectful and Naturally Loving

We are on the principle respect and love and I want to read to you a little bit about what’s respect and love means to men and women and kind of the difference here. Okay. Men actually respect much easier than women. It is a part of the language of men. That is why men don’t say things to other men because they know it is disrespectful. Since men naturally understand respect, they understand it is very important to not be disrespectful. It is difficult for a man to disrespect another man. Okay? Women, women actually love much easier than men. It is a part of the language of women. That is why women don’t say things to their friends that would be unloving and they are so free with their communication and with their affection and since they naturally understand love, they do not do not have to with due to do.
You don’t have to be told how to be loving toward one another. It’s very easy for them and very natural for them. Again, this is the difficulty because defining respect and love is not easy because it, we often don’t all agree on the, on the definition of it, because we don’t have it naturally. Men or women, you don’t have it naturally. So love and respect is difficult for both men and women because it’s not a natural language for them. And that’s part of learning how to communicate what it is that you’re experiencing so that the other person can understand it. Now, we’re going to teach you that skill in the homework, and we’ll do that here in just a little bit.

More on Respect and Love

We are on the principle respect and love and again this is if I haven’t said it already, one of the most difficult principles to integrate into our relationship because we think so differently, probably the most difficult and the most time consuming part of our relationship he has helping the other person honor what’s true for us. Now I want to take a moment to cover a detail that we’ve covered earlier, but it’s a very powerful detail to think and to remember when you come to a relationship and that is that the principles, the ideas, the things that you bring to the relationship are the things that you learned while you were growing up. So your reaction and reactivity to the relationship is always based on old patterns. So that’s why allowing yourself to be open and allowing the other person to share with you what they are experiencing with you and for you to be able to share what you’re experiencing with them and validating their truth.
He is really, really important. Again, that works here most importantly because women, when men say they don’t feel respected, it doesn’t matter how you feel about it. It is true for him. It is his truth and he doesn’t feel like a man until his, uh, until he feels respected and respect validates him as a, as a man. And that’s very powerful for him. And so honoring when he’s saying that he doesn’t feel respected, is life changing for the relationship now man, women, they need to feel like they are loved. It is life changing for them to have the feeling of being loved. They bring like we bring past experiences to the relationship and when they’re not experiencing the kind of love that they want, I’m not talking about you doing things for them, but when you are unable, when they are unable to feel the love that they want to feel from you, there is a way that you have to first of all validate the fact that they’re not getting it now from you what they want.
Again, the difficulty here is that you might not understand it, but she’ll feel it when you begin to lean into that in a different way. Again, that’s part of the homework. So here we’re talking about validating the other person’s experience with being disrespected or not feeling like they’re loved. Now, being, being respected for a man is how he sees himself in the world. It’s a very, very important, powerful part of who he is in feeling loved, really loved is a very powerful point of how a woman acts, uh, his experiences, the relationship and who she is. And so this principle actually is a pivot point in becoming more connected and more alive and who we are in the relationship.

2 Respect and Love Truths

We are in the principle respect and love, and I want to talk about two truths. The first truth is this. Women will go to the end of the world and through hell for the man that they feel loves them. Truth men will go to the end of the world for the woman that truly respects him. Now here’s what’s fascinating about that. Ladies, if the man doesn’t feel respected by you, it’s really hard for him to love you in the way that you want to be loved. Ladies, if it’s difficult to get him to love you, it’s because he’s not able to express that he’s not feeling respected. Men, if she’s not able to respect you, if she’s not honoring the things that you’re saying and asking of her, it’s because she doesn’t feel loved and if she doesn’t feel loved, then it’s very difficult for her to want to respect you. This is the crazy cycle that we get into. These two truths are very powerful and who’s going to break that cycle? Well, both of you or one of you beginning to practice. This principle will make a tremendous difference in how the relationship goes forward.

RESPECT AND LOVE : Lesson 2

Respect and Love as a Life Style

We’re in the module respect and love. We are talking about respect and love being a lifestyle in the relationship. In other words, it’s a way that we approach every single thing that’s happening in our relationship. We are respectful of each other in the way that we are in our differences and we love each other in the way we are in our differences. Validating each other in the way that they need to be validated and loving and caring for each other in the way that they need to be loved and cared for. Now when it comes to making decisions, we are openly talking about the things that need to be talked about. We’re not controlling, not demanding, making someone do things our way, but we can often agree to disagree when it comes to being in this love and respect part of the [inaudible] marriage challenge. In other words, respecting someone and loving someone doesn’t mean that you have to agree on everything that they are thinking about or doing or being. That is just who they are in the moment. We respect who they give us, who they are in the moment. We love who they are in the moment, and allowing ourselves to do that creates this lifestyle that makes it much easier to solve any conflict that would show up in the future.

Respect and Love experienced differently

We’re talking about principle number four, which is love and respect in the sixth week marriage challenge. I’m Dan Clark and welcomed by the way to the sixth marriage challenge, love and respect. Every man wants to be respected and every woman wants to be loved. Now, it doesn’t mean that women don’t need to be respected and men don’t need to be loved, but where we respond differently based on how those things are happening in our world. Now, here’s what I mean by that. A man does not notice that he responds in a negative way to being disrespected. He just does it. It’s like this. Whew. And when you see a man that you, when you’re in a relationship with go, or he has this little thing going on with him, you like what I say, it’s because he’s feeling of disrespect. Now we feel it more powerfully because it’s a very, very important part of who we are.
Now in a woman, she has the same type of a reaction to feeling like she’s not loved. And she’ll notice that. And you’ll notice that in her. Now, it could also depend on the things that she’s bringing to the relationship, either uh, her past experiences or woundedness or her joys, but that respect that we experience or that love that we experience is deeply seated inside us based on who we are. Genetically, it’s just part of who we are. And so learning how to honor that is really important. So here’s how this works. Now this is the fourth module. We’re working at seven 15 to 17 hours a week together. And so this is how this works. There’s a worksheet here. Be sure you print it off, fill this worksheet out, and then focus on recognizing men when you feel disrespected. And just talking about that, how respect feels for you and what it is being, what’s disrespectful like for you and how when there’s conversation going on or things that happen that you feel disrespected.
Now remember, we’re not talking about changing the behavior, we’re just talking about acknowledging that it’s true and your spouse and women, the same thing is true for you. Talk about how it doesn’t feel like you’re being loved or cared for. Loved the way that you would like to be loved. The reason this is important is just having conversation. We’re not changing anything. We’re just creating the opportunity to talk about the things that we would like. Remember, men have a high level need for respect and women, if you are disrespectful to him in many different ways, he a difficult for him to be difficult for him to step into the relationship in men. If you are not in creating the love or the safety that they need in their relationship, then it’s going to be difficult for them. So again, we’re just talking about having conversation about those things in the relationship that create love and respect for both of us.

RESPECT AND LOVE : Homework

Respect and Love Practical Daily steps

Now we’re getting down to the daily practical steps, things that we would like you to do while you’re doing the six week marriage challenge. Now we know that there’s a lot of homework here and we do that kind of on purpose. We start kind of with some intentionality to get some things on the table so that we can work through them as we go forward. So there’s a lot of homework up front and that includes some of the things we’re going to talk about now. Now, John Gottman, uh, taught us, he was the one that wrote the book seven principles that every Ma that make every marriage works. He’s a researcher. He discovered that a couple who does really well spends about 17 hours a week together. Now that isn’t actually having communication 17 hours a week. That means if they’re doing things like it could be watching a movie together, it could be doing a work, like maybe even housework together or driving down the road, spending time together, eating dinner together, having conversations, working in the yard, doing gardening, or looking at housing.
It doesn’t really matter, but they’re actually spending intentionality time together. And what he’s learned is is that when they are doing that, they’re actually are practicing some very good skills about who they are and learning how to connect with each other in a very high level. So part of this process is for you to spend as close to 17 hours in these six weeks as you can together and that is like spending the better part of a day like on Saturday or Sunday together. Now I know if you have small children that might be impossible, but I would encourage you during this six, these six weeks to make sure that you have someone to help you with, that you set the kids off with a grandparent or an or a neighbor or a sibling or someone that can help you or hire someone to take care of them for half of a couple of days because it’s real important that you give this homework started so that you can actually benefit from this six week marriage challenge.
Now these daily practical daily steps or something that’s also very important. Learning how to rekindle the things that were true in the beginning of the relationship is a powerful process that will help us begin to lean back into the relationship. And what that means is, is that we are beginning to think about and put back into our connection with each other, the language that we used early on in the relationship. For example, here’s a belief system that we’re going to ask you to be stating and thinking about the first day or Monday, uh, of the six week marriage challenge of the day after you started state out loud without a doubt that you are in love with your spouse, that you think about their quality, their positive qualities in state while think of their qualities that you were in love with him. I love my spouse, I find him or her enduring and lovable.
I love my spouse and I found him and I find him or her lovable and endearing. One of the reasons that’s an an important process. This is because we’re changing the belief system that we have about the relationship. Now, it doesn’t mean that you’re not having difficulties and you don’t dislike them in the moment because there’s difficulties. It means that you’re leaning into the relationship by stating a statement that will rekindle some of those love romance that’s on the inside of you because you had those early on. And remember, we’re not problem solving here. We’re just simply following some rules and principles that changed the relationship. As you can see, there’s a couple of others, one for each day. We’d like you to take these statements and say them to yourself out loud. One of the ways that you can do this as write them on a three by five card and remind you yourself of them and put them into your phone. And that way you can actually, um, uh, send them to yourself in a text or in a memo a couple times a day. But remember, you’re sitting to yourself. You’re not stating it to your spouse. You’re stating it to yourself that I love my spouse and I find him or her irresistible and endearing on Tuesday. It’s, I am genuinely fond of my spouse. I enjoy spending time with him. Again, these are the kinds of things that we want you to be practicing every day. A couple of times a day between now and next time we get together.